Craziness in various forms
by Lady Merlin
Summary: ok, i have no idea if this is allowed of not, but, well, these are a bunch of ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS OneShot fanfics by various authors... If any of ya have any problems, message me and It's gone. so, these are THE HILARIOUSEST! if you want ur fic up here,
1. Chapter 1

These are a bunch of ridiculous arguments between James and Lily and I HAVE note HAVE taken ideas from other people. These stories shall be credited to whomever wrote or thought them up. Those which aren't credited are mine. DO ENJOY!

This story is credited to 'Quidditch or Chocolate' by Winter Saphire whom I have taken the idea from. If you have ANY objects what-so-ever, just review and tell me. I'll pull it right off.

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE!

QUIDDITCH!

CHOCOLATE!

QUIDDITCH!

CHOCOLATE!

QUIDDITCH!

CHOCOLATE!

QUIDDITCH!

CHOCOLATE!

QUIDDITCH!

CHOCOLATE!

QUIDDITCH!

CHOCOLATE!

QUIDDITCH!

CHOCOLATE!

QUIDDITCH!

CHOCOLATE!

QUIDDITCH!

CHOCOLATE!

QUIDDITCH!

CHOCOLATE!

**QUIDDITCH**!

**CHOCOLATE**!

**QUIDDITCH**!

**CHOCOLATE**!

**QUIDDITCH**!

**CHOCOLATE**!

**QUIDDITCH**!

**CHOCOLATE**!

**QUIDDITCH**!

**CHOCOLATE**!

**QUIDDITCH**!

**CHOCOLATE**!

'WOULD YOU TWO SHUT IT!" yelled a now veeery irritated Remus. Both Lily and James looked at the usually calm and composed boy… he was rubbing his temples.

"sorry?" James asked

"yeah, now say it like you mean it." Said one of Lily's friends, Laura. She was a tall girl with a light frame and dark hair and she, was THE heart throb, along with Lily, who was petite like a pixie, but if you said that to her, you probably wouldn't live to see the next day. She had flaming red hair and stunning emerald eyes that caught the eye of almost every guy in school. Only she didn't know it… James didn't let her. Every guy who expressed his intentions to court her, was erm, dealt with eh, to put it mildly, violently by the Marauders.

"could you please tell us what's going on?" Remus asked.

"well,--"

"NO. wait, you HAAAAAAAAAAAAVE to be polite to each other or I will stick you two in room and burn it and put the ashes in a box send it to myself, burn the box, put it in another box, send it to myself, burn that too, put it in another box and send it to myself, burn it put it in another box send it to myself, burn that box put it in another box send it to myself and send it to myself" and so he trailed off, mumbling to himself, looking slightly crazy. Sirius sent a startled glace at remus and continued.

"continue."

"well, firstly, he made the baised statement that Quidditch is the best thing on the face of this earth. To which I objected and said that chocolate is the best thing on the face of this earth. To which he objected oh so politely saying that chocolate couldn't be played and I remaind silent until he realised what he meant and called me sick, then I told him the Quidditch couldn't be played to which he objected saying that it could because he had eaten the snitch in the last game and I objected and said that he had barfed it out and then I concluded the argument by making to completely universal statement that chocolate is better and he oh-so-politely said that quiditch is better and we launched into a full fledged argument CHOCOLATE!" Lily gasped in one breath. Sirius was timing it.

"WOW LILY. WORLD RECORD!"

"really?'

"yeah."

"anyway, could you repeat that? I wasn't listening." Lily gave him such a glare that he withered and ran off.

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

"SILENCIO!" roared remus. A spark had lit in James' eye. One in lily's too. They looked as if they were truly enjoying it. Unfortunately, they were skilled in non-verbal spells.

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

Only this time, they had a touch of laughter in their voices.

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

CHOCOLATE

QUIDDITCH

Remus was about to jump off a building.

CHOC- something had cut Lily off. Everyone's whose attention had wandered away, turned back, to see what had caused the sudden silence. Laura clutched her heart but didn't faint. She was too busy watching in shock. Sirius wriggled his eyebrow at James who smiled but didn't say anything, because his mouth was locked in a passionate kiss with Lily, whose pupils had depilated before she gave it up and submitted to temptation. Her hands went around his neck and she stood up. James had been cradling her in his arms all this while. She now stood up and pressed her body against his. Sirius wriggled his eyebrow at Laura, and she wriggled back. Suddenly, they walked to each other and started snogging each other madly. Lily and James paused for a second to watch them.

Remus saw them, and went over and began taking notes.

Wriggling eyebrowslets of some sort of hormone that attracts the opposite sex.

Siriusladies man. (that was written in squiggly writing by Sirius)

Pretty soon, everyone left except Lily and James who kept exchanging looks and kisses. Just before heading to bed, Lily whispered into James' ear, "now there, would you have liked if my mouth tasted of Quidditch?"

James smiled and shook his head and kissed her again. "no, I just can't get enough of it, and you."

Well? How was it? I took a lot from saphire winter, so thanks.


	2. Chapter 2

This is another installment of Ridiculous arguments! TADAAAAA! This is pretty much my own… except Lily, Sirius, James and Remus…

"POTTER. TURN MY HAIR BACK. NOW." Lily screamed at James Potter who was ruffling his hair.

"no." he said calmly.

"POTTER, I'M WARNING YOU…"

"no"

"James, it WILL be a good idea to turn them back… Lily's beginning to scare me…" Remus said.

"no."

"POTTER."

"nope… whatcha gonna do to me?"

"hurt you?" Sirius suggested.

"CASTRATE YOU. ALL OF YOU." Lily yelled.

The three boys flinched. Lily smirked. She knew the threat had hit home.

"no." said a now slightly scared James.

Remus and Sirius slowly backed away.

"YOU FRICKIN COWARDS! COME AND FIGHT BY MY SIDE YOU WORTHLESS- ARGH!" yelled a now panicked James. He looked as if he was longing to run but it would be an insult to him…

Remus and Sirius were long gone. Lily grinned. "Now, it's just me and you…" her grin widened.

"No. PLEASE DON'T HURT ME" wailed James.

"Then turn my hair back red…" Lily set an ultimatum.

A now terrified James was cowering in her shadow. "I—I can't…"

"why not?" asked a perfectly quiet Lily… It scared him more.

"I don't know how…"

In the common room; all the students jumped as flocks of owls took of in the owlery and they heard a voice screaming. "POTTER! YOU'RE DEAD." And there was silence…

Sirius and Remus winced. They knew that James… was no longer a part of the living world. The went up to their room after half an hour later, Sirius sobbing into Remus' shoulder. There, they saw a sight so shocking that Sirius had a heart attack and died. Then he woke up and whooped. "GO LILY GO LILY GO JAMES GO JAMES!" he said doing the fish.

There, Lily was in James' lap, smiling softly in a way they had never seen before. Truly happy.

Well? How was that? Nice? The coming up one, is my MASTERPIECE. I HAVE POURED MY LIFE AND SOUL INTO IT. SHE—wait, HE IS A MARVEL! smirk


	3. Chapter 3

Well, here he is. ENJOY! (I don't own anyone)

Ok, in this story, Lily and James are in the gifted students class smirks This is gonna be fun to make mischief with. :D One day a new teacher walks in saying that the old one has retired. And it was gonna happen some day… so lets see rebellion.

First day back…(lessons)

"I DID SOME BACKGROUND RESEARCH ON OUR NEW TEACHER!" cried out Jackson, the nerdiest of nerds. But one of the smartest too.

Everyone ran to him. He slammed the file on the table. "Well, his name is Mr. Garcia. He was a OHMYGOD, he was a GIFTED! THAT MEANS HE KNOW WHAT WE"VE BEEN THROUGH. Oh wow…" he exclaimed

"But what the hell is this? Durmstrang, Elventon (that's a wizarding university)? What the hell is this guy doing teaching?" Lily asked.

"well, there was an accident… he experimented new spells on children…" all of them winced. It was against the law to test spells on children. "He's in 14 million gallons debt." Jackson continued.

"ouch." James said.

Melissa peeped out the door and saw an unknown teacher walking towards them. She went back in and cried out, "HE'S HERE!"

Almost all of them rushed to the desk, but some gifts on his desk and hustled back to their seats. When he entered, all of them were silent at their desks. He walked to the door.

"Hullo. I'm Mr. Garcia. Call me professor or sir. No one shall address me in any other way. Is that understood. James nodded.

"Now… this… is a test. A test to tell me how smart you are. You have 20 minutes." Mr. Garcia handed out the papers.

"But this has 6 essay questions?" protested Michelle

"I'm sorry, is this the gifted class?" the class silenced. "you may begin now."

The next day…

Mr. Garcia handed out the papers…"I supposed I'm pleased to say that all of you have got A's." all of them grinned. "however… I have been one of you… in my childhood, many people told me I'm a genius, I'm brilliant and where did that end me? Complacent and negative 14 million gallons." His voice rose. "but no, I WILL push you, I WILL bring out the best. There fore, I have made up this chart…" he revealed a chart. At the top, were Lily and James…

"But we still have, A's right?" asked Michelle.

"yes, but some of you have better A's than others…" all of them glared at James and Lily who looked uncomfortable. (**A/N THIS IS IMPORTANT! THIS GIFTER CLASS MEANS THAT THEY LEARN FOR ASTRO PHYSICS TO ANCIENT HISTORY AFTER MAGIC LESSONS. OK?**)

After that, began a studying crazy. Every time someone's name went down on the list, they broke down. Every time they went up, it was a celebration. Except Lily and James… for them, they remained at the TOP. Until one day Lily cracked.

It was free study period, when Lily stood up on the table and said, "What are We DOING?" everyone looked up at her. "I mean, Gifted-Ed was the only place we were understood. Now, it turned into a bloody battlefield." Lily said.

"That's easy for you say Number 1" said Michelle

"I HAVE A NAME" Lily said, now agitated. "look, he's turning us against each other. Why don't we rebel"

"how?" asked Jackson

"well, we could flunk a test…" they gasped. James looked amused. "and we could use, A1 pencils!" some of them shrieked. Lily whispered to James, "god, this is scary." James grinned.

They let out a cheer. The next test results came out… "I'm very disappointed in you Lily and James. Everyone else, good job." Lily and James glared at them. Their name had gone allll he way down. While everyone walked out, they mumbled a sorry. Lily and James HAD to do something.

Later on in detention Mr. Garcia said to them, "I was just like you… trying to beat the system… trust me… you can't… not when I'm the system" that's when Lily had an idea…

The next day…

All the students handed in their essays. Then Lily and James walked up and slammed huge piles of paper on his table. "I thought we were suppose to do only Mesopotamian irragtion methods?" protested Jackson.

"we were." Lily said, "But, that lead to Egyptian farming ad how the techniques of irrigation came up. And the religious worship. And trading amongst the Malaysians, and Greek, where the ideas came from, and basically, the whole ancient world." Lily finished off.

"So they wanna play." Jackson said.

"We'll play." Said Melissa.

After that, a crazy began. The only place where the gifted's were seen was the library. They even slept there. Every time the rest stood up to leave, they saw Lily and James studying together and turned around to continue. Lily and James' names went all the way up again. They stayed there without struggling at all.

A few day later…

"well children, professor Dumbledore will be coming to visit us all… won't that be nice?" he said with a smirk.

Lily knew it was time to put her plan in action. "I can count to a million in prime numbers!" she cried and began, "1, 3, 5,"

James joined in, "7, 13, 17, 23" now the whole class was struggling to catch up. Lily and James grinned at each other. One of them started crying. Suddenly, they all started bawling their eyes out. "I'M STUPID!" yelled Michelle.

"YEAH, I'M STUPID TOO!" Melissa said. And they began crying. Just then, Dumbledore walked in.

"ok…" she said amused. "pushed them too far did you Miguel?" he asked Mr. Garcia.

James and Lily walked up to Mr. Garcia and said, "yeah, you can't beat the system."

James said, "but you sure as hell can break it." They grinned and walked out hand in hand. Mr. Garcia mumbled to himself, "too damn smart"

Outside…

"Never knew you had it in you." James said.

"yeah, I thought so. But I can."

"I know."

"and you also don't know that I don't hate you."

"you don't?"

"nope. In fact, you're funny."

"I am?" James said getting more and more surprised.

"yeah."

"then do you mind?" he asked

"mi-" she was cut off by James kissing her full on the lips.

When he broke off, "of course not, as long as you do it again." She said smiling.

"Gladly."

I know… it didn't turn out. But the idea, she was beautiful, however, it couldn't be written… forgive me…

R&R!


	4. Chapter 4

Ok, this story is plaid penguins by the name of Archibald by siriuslyravishingrogue4028 and I seriously recommend it. If you have a problem, then just whip up an email and I'll take it off and apologise ok?

**If only that Ice Sculptured Chocolate Fountain didn't resemble a Penguin**

Well…my wedding was an _interesting _event, to say the least. Looking back I'd have to say all of those interesting parts were due to Sirius. I mean there were some other things involved but they all lead back up to Sirius.

So, I suppose I probably should start telling you what actually happened. Now, I'm warning you, this gets a bit chaotic at times. Then again, a wedding with James Potter couldn't happen any other way.

Let's see when this whole List of Disasters began, shall we?

The first on the list is the rainbow/unicorn issue. It was the day after James' bachelor party and my bachelorette party. That in it self should have been a warning sign to me since everyone would be completely hung over.

Anyways, I was with my maid of honor, Sierra, altering her dress. We still hadn't gotten any napkins, tablecloths or those little take-homey things they have at weddings.

Being logical I figured even James and Sirius could handle buying some white table cloths and napkins and get some bubbles or something.

Apparently logic was greatly lacking at that store.

Somehow Sirius spotted the rainbow/unicorn themed section of the store and persuaded James I would love it. Hah. I don't think you'll fully appreciate how WONDERFUL this purchase was unless you knew exactly what they bought.

Let's start with the tablecloths; they're light blue with little images of rainbows, unicorns and sparkly stars. The pictures move too. Now the napkins are exactly the same but in napkin-y form and say our names and the date of the wedding on them. The best part is the take-homey things.

A glittery pink bubble bottle with the same writing on the napkins and the bubble's are the images from the tablecloth. They don't pop for at least two hours either. Remember though, they were on sale. Needless to say Remus went along any other time I sent them out.

The next event on the List of Disaster was several of Sirius's wedding presents. The two he gave us before the wedding that is, Jily, Lames and Archibald. Let's go back to when Sirius gave us those first few of our wedding presents…

I keep staring at myself in the mirror. I don't look like I'm about to get married today. Personally I think it looks as if I'm having a panic attack because I'm lost in an enormous wedding dress store. And I can use that description because when I was wedding dress shopping I er…drifted away from the clerk lady.

Let me tell you, being almost smothered to death by lace, while lost in a maze of puffy white material is not fun. It's actually quite creepy. The point is when I managed to escape that evil lace I saw my reflection. And I have the same exact expression right now. Not that I'm having second thoughts or anything.

It's just like all of the sudden it's hit me. I'm getting married. I'll be Mrs. James Potter, not Lily Evans. Ok, well I'll still be Lily but not Evans. So, Evans will still be my maiden name but ah! I'm just trying to say, after today it's Lily Potter. There that's what I meant.

Honestly if you told me 10 years ago I'd be getting married to James Potter I would have personally taken you to St. Mungo's. I glance at my engagement ring and my stomach clenches. When I'm nervous I click my tongue a lot. I just know it'll be perfectly silent and I'll just start clicking my tongue.

Everyone will think I'm insane. What if when I'm half way down the aisle I trip, or laugh hysterically or accidentally repeat the wrong lines. Or what if someone objects to the wedding and James is like 'Hey I don't want to marry you I want to marry her' and runs away over the sunset with the objector.

Ah! This is so nerve wrecking. James wouldn't do that though. Or at least I hope not. What if he does? Oh my god. I need a paper bag. Breathe in…it'll be fine. I didn't like him for 7 bloody years and he stayed after me, it's not likely he'll leave me on our wedding day.

"Uh…Lils? You ok? You're turning blue." I jump at Remus' voice and realize I haven't taken a breath out yet. Oops. I gasp to release the air and Remus looks at me amused. "Not going to forget to breathe up there, are you?"

I snort, "Let's hope not." There's a knock on the dressing room door. Remus had offered to help my carry my dress in so I didn't drag it on the ground. Which is why, we're in here. "Who is it?"

"It's Sirius. You're not in your wedding dress are you?" I look at Remus to see if he knows where Sirius is going with this, but he just shrugs.

"No, not right now, why?"

"I just wanted to give you and James some of your wedding presents right now. James can't see you in your dress before the wedding though so…uh. What was I saying? Oh, yeah! Lily, come here!" I roll my eyes and laugh. He has about a 4 second attention span.

I warily, open the door to see James leaning against the wall and Sirius with 2 brightly wrapped presents. Remus and I shuffle into the hall and Sirius begins bouncing up and down. "You _have_ to open these! They're so cool!"

James shook his head in disbelief, "I still can't believe that you've gotten us 5 wedding gifts. On my birthday last year you gave me a "card", that was actually used newspaper that you wrote 'James Happy Birthday. I value your friendship' on."

Sirius looks affronted, "Hey! I do value your friendship and I was a little short on money then. That's also what this present is for!" He shoves the smaller of the packages to James.

"And this m'dear Lily is for the whole er…tablecloth and related objects problem. I'm really sorry about that, again." He waves me over to the package "It's too heavy to push to you." Well…that's really sweet of him to get us this many wedding gifts.

Knowing Sirius though I'm worried but what the presents actually are.

I glance at James "You want to open yours first?"

He grins "Why, you're ever so chivalrous." I laugh as he starts opening it. He knows I'm completely skeptical of the fact if these actually are presents.

The last bit of wrapping paper falls to the floor and we're all staring at… "CACTUSES!"

James, Remus and I all turn to stare at Sirius. One of the cacti has red yarn glued to the top of it and the other has black yarn that's all over the place glued to the top and is wearing black round frame glasses.

We're all still staring at Sirius and he gives us an odd look, like we're the ones completely mental. "What? The one with the red hair is Jily and the one with the glasses is Lames."

Slowly I manage, "Jily and Lames?"

He nods enthusiastically, "Yup! Those cactuses are just like you! Except for their names and they're plants…that live in the desert…"

Remus winces as Sirius has once again said 'cactuses', "Sirius, its cacti."

He turns confused to Remus "What?"

Remus sighs, "If there is more than one cactus then they're called cacti."

"Nu-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nu-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"You're just making it up!" Sirius shouts accusingly.

Remus gasps, "I most certainly am not! Here I'll even prove its cacti!" He whips out a pocket dictionary and now everyone stares at him.

This goes unnoticed by Remus though as he's furiously flipping through the pages. "Hah! Right here! The plural form of cactus is cacti!" Pointing frantically at the page, Remus is practically jumping in glee.

Sirius sticks his tongue out at him, "Whatever, at least I don't carry a pocket dictionary!"

Remus rolls his eyes, "Honestly, that is such a lame come back."

With a 'humph' Sirius turns back to me "Ok, Lils it's your turn now! We don't want him to suffocate in there, now."

I immediately back away from the present did he say 'him to suffocate in there'? As in something is alive, in there. Oh god. This probably will not end well.

Sirius looks to me expectantly while James and Remus _oh so_ discreetly sidle further away from the present. I start ripping off the wrapping paper and there's a wooden crate, uh-oh. Finally, I've gotten the wrapping all off and now I see a huge wooden crate with air holes.

It shakes and I jump and stare at it as if the crate is what's alive. What if it's some weird creature from the forbidden forest? I wouldn't put that past Sirius since he'd think it was just bundles of fun and when it bit you, it really was a symbol of love.

Even though you'd most likely die of blood loss, can you guess something like this has happened before? The crate shakes again but this time I go towards it. I can feel James and Remus staring at me apprehensively but Sirius isn't, he's just grinning maniacally.

Slowly I turn the door knob and the little door swings open. Now any of that courage that had been built up, that minute amount disappears immediately and I squeak and run away from the crate. Then without warning there's an odd squawk. James grabs me and pulls me further away from the box and pinning me between him and the wall.

A small, foot timidly appears, an orange webbed foot and then out waddles a penguin. James lets go of my arm and steps away, I swear his eyebrows just disappeared.

The penguin continues waddling out and squawks at Sirius then waddles over to him. I can't keep my eyes off the penguin. Why you may ask? This isn't a normal black and white penguin. It's a red and gold plaid penguin.

Sirius pats it on the head and mutters a charm that makes a fish appear. He tosses it and as the penguin catches it he cheers "WOO! Good catch Archie!"

I stammer slightly "Archie? Sirius where did you get a penguin from? And why the hell is he plaid?"

Sirius smiles at me "Archie is short for Archibald and I got him at this place in London. They had loads of animals there. Those muggles weren't very nice you know, they were trying to get me with this weird glow-y gun contraption."

I wince, "That'd be a stunt gun. If they were chasing you with a stunt gun, obviously you weren't supposed to be taking a penguin! Now, where exactly in London was this?" I've got a hunch where he got Archie from, and if I'm right this is not good at all.

He shrugs, "I dunno, it was really big and like I said it had loads and loads of animals for people to look at. Kind of rude, I thought. This one bloke was making fun of a gorilla and let me tell you, if he was in the crate you could have mistaken _him _for a gorilla."

Suddenly James catches on to my train of though as well, "Oh god Sirius, you mean the London Zoo?"

Sirius nods, "Hey, yeah that's the one!"

Remus rubs his temples, "So you stole a penguin from the zoo, named him Archibald and I'm guessing you turned him plaid too?"

He nods again, "To shorten it up, yes."

"And uh, why, exactly?"

Sirius frowns, "Hm…well I turned him plaid because they always say penguin look like they're wearing tuxes. I thought that was extremely tacky, so I turned him plaid!"

I lift an eyebrow, "And you're trying to tell me a plaid tux is less tacky than a normal tux?" If he honestly thinks that I'm going to shopping with him from now on. I've been wondering why he's been dateless for so long, if he's strolling around with plaid tuxes it's no wonder.

"Oh…didn't think of it that way, good point!"

Remus shook his head and sighed, "Did you ever explain WHY you stole a penguin in the first place?"

As Sirius tosses Archie another fish he scrunches up his face as if that'll help him remember, "You know I can't exactly recall why at the moment."

James stares at Archie for a while, "So what are we going to do with him during the wedding? We can't let him in there and we can't let him run around outside."

Remus points to the crate but Sirius yelps and runs in front of the crate his arms spread out as if blocking it off. "No! You can't put Archie back in there! He's already been in there for basically an hour! If he's in there the whole day he'll die!" That's probably true and he can't die, we have to give him back to the zoo.

"How about we just keep him in a dressing room? Its big enough in there and nobody will know he's here."

The 3 of them look at me considering this and all shrug in unison, "Ok."

And that my friend is how Jily, Lames and Archie came into the picture. Now the next event present on the List of Disaster is what happened with my Great Aunt Enid.

This was during the reception, so at least one positive thing I can say is, the ceremony went well. No tongue clicking, tripping or riding off in the sunset with objectors occurred. So in my books, the ceremony went well.

The only minor glitches were when Sierra sneezed and knocked over a candle and when Remus accidentally dropped a chocolate wrapper in the aisle.

It was ok though, Dumbledore said his robes weren't singed too badly and I got to mock Remus. Not very often do you get to mock Remus but I found it highly amusing. It was such a Sirius type of action to drop a candy wrapper. As a whole though, the ceremony went perfectly fine.

The reception on the other hand…was not so perfectly fine. Shall we recall? I think we shall.

I'm married. I'M MARRIED. I'm married to James Potter! I feel like I'm slightly detached from what's going on. My brain keeps spazzing out with the words 'I'M MARRIED' flashing across my mind.

We're all eating the main course right now. And yes, with the rainbow/unicorn themed tablecloths, napkins and take-homey things. Like Sierra said though, this is something that is going to make people remember our wedding for. Speaking of people at our wedding, they keep giving us presents, right now.

I mean I appreciate the gifts but hello! We're trying to eat and be married. Ok so maybe not so much the being married part right now but we're trying to eat right now!

Urgh, another woman hands me a huge gift. "Thanks!" She smiles and walks away, hahaha, my voice sounded like a lame recording for a telephone company. I plop the gift on the table with the others and now I can't see James anymore.

He's lost behind the Great Wall of Wedding Gifts.

I gloomily sit down. All I want to do is eat and see my husband. Hah! Husband. I'M MARRIED! I take a gulp of water and promptly begin choking. I keep on coughing since I swallowed the water the wrong way and the top of James' hair suddenly becomes visible. "Lils? Are you alright? Where are you?"

He starts to move presents in an attempt to find me but I clear my throat and stop making the strangling noises before he gets to me.

Finally his face appears, "You ok?" I laugh as the pile next to him wobbles dangerously and he hops out of the way as it crashes down. I feel like we've been ambushed by demonic wedding gifts.

James looks at the presents everywhere and starts laughing too. "Think we should put some of them in the dressing room?"

Just as he says this Sirius turns to him, "You want these put in the dressing room?"

I shrug, "That's probably the best place for them right now, but don't put them in the room with Archie. Do you understand?"

Sirius rolls his eyes, "Yes, mum." In a few minutes he has all the gifts charmed to follow him to the dressing room. Soon there are no more presents in the room, just the sound of them slamming into the walls as they go down the hallway.

James smiles at me, "Much better, now when you choke I'll be able to attempt to save you."

I laugh smirk back "Thank you; you're such a kind gentleman." I look back down at my plate to start eating and NO! Aw, man, I'm out of potatoes. I finally can eat _and _see my husband, literally, and I don't have any more potatoes.

Oh well I guess I'll just go get some more, "I'll be right back James, I have to get more potatoes." He almost opens his mouth then realizes if he does it'll be Mt. Vesuvius in food form. So he just waves as his form of comprehension. I get up and make my way to the table with the food, as I'm scooping the potatoes onto my plate I see Sirius sitting back down. I'll have to thank him for dropping those gifts off.

That's when I hear a stunned, petrified scream. Spinning around, I'm met with my Great Aunt Enid on the floor, Jily and Lames stuck in her shoulder pads and Archie standing on the table.

Oh, great. I quickly help my Great Aunt off the floor, "I'm so sorry! What happened? Are you hurt?"

She squints at Archie then to the ice sculpture next to Archie, which actually is a chocolate fountain. "Well, I'll be damned that wasn't the chocolate fountain. I was wondering why it squawked." With a shake of her head she turns to face me, "It's alright dearie, I'm fine. I forgot my glasses, that's all. Seeing things again, honestly I should have listened to Earl and worn them but I thought I'd be fine."

As she brushes off her skirt I pull out Jily and Lames form her shoulder pads before she can notice. Most of the people who heard her scream thought, like she did, that Archie was the chocolate fountain and went back to eating.

Great Aunt Enid picks up her plate again and smiles, "Thanks again, love; I'll be seeing you again later!" I smile back and wait till she leaves then turned to Archie.

Maybe I can smuggle him away under my dress. I just hope he doesn't leap into the punch bowl, he's eyeing up though. That sneaky bird. Slowly I creep forward but sadly as I leap at him he yelps and jumps off the table, squawking and waddling away. Shit, now everyone's looking.

James, Sirius and Remus are at my side quick as lightening. I look at Sirius my hands still clenched around Jily and Lames, the potted parts not the actual cacti, "I thought I told you NOT to go in the room with Archie in it!"

He winces, "I didn't, I swear! I think the presents hit the door open was I was taking them down the hall though."

I continue seething at him and James decides to talk before I explode. "Then why did he have Jily and Lames with him?"

Sirius grins as if relishing old times with Archie, "He helped glue the yarn on them, and they're both his best mates now."

James cocks his head to the side, "Hey speaking of that, when did you start buying yarn?"

My mouth drops open. There is a kidnapped, plaid penguin named Archibald running around the room and they're discussing yarn. Remus pries my hands from the cacti, most likely since I was about to impale James and Sirius with them.

I interrupt them in a sweet voice, "Guys, sorry to jump into your conversation but would you mind helping CATCH THE PENGUIN THAT JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE RUNNING AROUND THE FRICKIN ROOM!"

They both flinch and we immediately begin chasing after Archie. Everyone just gawks at us and as we pass the main table Sierra jumps up to help us. "I have no bloody clue what's going on, but I'm going to help!"

I manage to pant out, "Thanks. Explain. Later." We chase after Archie for another 10 minutes and damn it! I didn't think penguins could waddle this fast. We pass a table of my cousins and I hear a part of a discussion, "Yeah, there's a missing penguin from the London Zoo. They say some lunatic came and stole it. They're got a reward out and everything."

Sirius turns and smiles innocently as I tug my hair frustrated. "You are so delusional, Sirius."

"But you still love me anyways?"

I grin at his ability to give me the puppy dog face while running, "Of course." Finally after half an hour we manage to pen Archie back in the dressing room, along with Jily and Lames. We all troop back into the room and everyone looks at us, waiting for an explanation.

James walks in front of us and shrugs, "What can I say, we couldn't resist from adding a little something!" They all burst into laughter and I beam as James winks at me. He always was quick on his feet; let's just hope he never becomes a criminal. Even if he does though, that's my husband.

Now, this is devastating to say but that last event completes the List of Disaster.

The rest of the reception went without any problems and thankfully no one questioned the penguin. Well besides Sierra but of course we promised to tell her anyways. That List of Disaster, also known as my wedding was one of the best experiences I've had.

Oh, and Archie was un-plaid-ified and returned to the London Zoo, thanks to James' invisibility cloak. It was actually pretty sad saying goodbye, so we all stop by at least once a month.

Jily and Lames come along as well and they're doing just fine. Lames' glasses have broken several times but otherwise they've experienced no other troubles.

And Sirius' other 3 wedding presents did turn out to be very useful, a silverware set, a huge crap load of picture frames and a photo album for our wedding. The last one was my favorite. If I must say so myself, the way my wedding unfolded is the only way I would have it. Imagine if everything went perfectly?

No horrified expressions from girls at bridal shops, no extremely odd pictures in the album and no odd gifts from Sirius? No, thanks. I'll take my husband's and our friend's weirdness over normalcy any time.

My only piece of advice is if you're going to get an ice sculptured chocolate fountain, make sure it does not resemble a penguin.

Thanks to siriuslyravishingfogue4028 for her story 'Plaid penguins by the name of Archibald'

I swear… it was hilarious.


	5. Chapter 5

This story is 'of implosion' by 'metro.max' and if she/he (?) has any problems, she can just tell me and I'll wipe it off and make an apology. Okies? ENJOY!

_**Of Implosion! **_

"Hey Evans!"

"Potter."

"Evans, would you—"

"No."

"But I—"

"No."

"You're not—"

"No."

"But if—"

"No."

"Evans!"

"Potter?"

"Could you—"

"No."

Gah!"

Sirius looked up with mildly interested eyes as James stormed off to their dormitory before turning to said Evans.

"Hey Evans?"

"Black…?"

"Could you hand me James' book that happens to be located next to you?"

She spotted the book and a faint blush crept up her neck. She gave a small "oh" and handed the book to Sirius.

"Thank you. And Evans?"

"Yeah?"

"You're going to make him implode."

"I'll what—? What d'you mean? Black, get back here!"

"Hey Lily."

"James."

"Lily, could I ask you something?"

"Erm… I suppose…"

"Would you—"

"No!"

"But I haven't—"

"No!"

"But you won't—"

"No!"

"Would you just—"

"No!"

"Lily!"

"Er… yeah?"

"Would you like—"

"I said no!"

"Forget it!"

Peter watched James storm away toward the boys' dormitory as Sirius beat him at chess for the sixth time in a row with a triumphantly shouted, "Checkmate! I win again!"

"Hey Lily?"

"What is it, Peter?"

"Would you like James to bring you something back from the kitchens?"

"Oh… erm… no, thanks, I'm fine."

"But you seem very flushed…"

"No, I'm fine, thanks."

"And Lily?"

"Hmm?"

"You're going to make him implode."

Lily sprang up from her seat before dashing off to the girls' dormitory with impressive speed.

"Her voice can get very high, very quickly," Peter mentioned nonchalantly to Sirius, who nodded distractedly as he set up the chess board once again.

"Hiya Lils!"

"Hey James."

"Mind if I ask you something a bit personal?"

"I… guess not—"

"What would you say if I—"

"No."

"But I didn't—"

"No."

"But you haven't—"

"No."

"But won't you—"

"No."

"Fine! I'll be in my room!"

Remus peered over the edge of his favorite book (_Beating the Bite_) to find James storming away to the boys' dormitory.

"Hey Lily?"

"Yes, Remus?"

"You don't own _Hogwarts, A History_, do you?"

"No… why?"

"James was just wondering if that would make a good Christmas gift for you."

"Oh… I — er… yes, that would be lovely."

"And Lily?"

"Hmm?"

"You're going to make him implode."

"I'm going to what—? Remus, answer me! Remus! Ugh!"

"Hey Sirius?"

"Well hello there, Evans! What can I do for Prongs' favorite lady?"

"Speaking of James, I haven't seen him all day. D'you know where he is?"

"Oh, he's been up in our dorm for _hours_."

"Well, what's he doing up there?"

"Mm… he imploded."

"He— what, pardon?"

"He imploded."

"But I — ugh…. Sirius, might a person be able to visit someone who has — erm — imploded?"

"Hmm… I wouldn't know. But maybe you should ask Remus, he's the Marauder that would know."

"Thanks, Sirius."

"Remus?"

"Lily?"

"I was just wondering…"

"Yes?"

"Is a person allowed to visit another who has, er, imploded?"

"Of course. But I would bring a gift if I was you."

"A gift?"

"Mhmm. To make him feel better. You know how imploding can be."

"Erm…yeah…. So, er, what kind of gift?"

"Oh, I don't know, I'm not very good at giving gifts. Perhaps you should ask Peter."

"Right, ask Peter. Well, thank you."

"Anytime, Lily."

"Peter!"

"Hullo, Lily."

"Peter, what kind of gift would you give a person who's had the misfortune of imploding?"

"Well, I'd start off with a nice card, a funny one perhaps, and some flowers to brighten the room. Chocolates are always a good option, and don't forget to finish off with a hug."

"Oh… er, okay. Thanks!"

"No problem. And Lily?"

"Yeah?"

"He'll be accepting visitors until seven tonight."

"Thanks, Peter."

There was a knock on the door. James didn't bother to answer it, much less invite the person in. He knew they would do both by themselves.

"James?"

"Lil…?"

She popped her head around the door to find an extremely dirty dormitory, complete with the oddly growing object on the window ledge and a large mound of worn clothing in the corner that she could've sworn she saw move.

"James?" she called again, stepping into the room fully. She peered around the room, looking for the boy she had heard answer her but couldn't find anywhere.

"Go away," she heard him mumble dejectedly, but she still couldn't locate the boy within the expanse of the room.

"But I brought flowers," she swayed, setting the bunch of daffodils on the cleanest bed (only because it had been stripped of its coverlet and sheets).

There was no reaction, so she went on.

"I've brought a card as well. I've heard from a very reliable source that implosion isn't all sunshine and daisies, so it's a bit funny to cheer you up."

She heard a bit of shuffling and scanned the room quickly, still spotting no James.

"You like truffles, don't you? I've brought you some cream-filled truffles, James, and if you don't come out and eat them, I'm afraid I'll have to do it for you."

She could sense his contemplation in the air, but still nothing.

"Fine then, be that way," she said indignantly. "I'll just take my flowers and card and chocolate and find someone else to hug."

She heard a muffled voice and gave a small gasp as she saw a pile of clothing lunge at her.

Upon closer inspection, she noticed a pair of glasses peeking out at her from within the mass of material.

"So…er… this is implosion?" she began weakly.

He gave a terse nod. Or at least, she thought he did. She wasn't quite sure.

"Erm… Peter said I should bring you flowers to, you know, cheer you up or something," she said, grabbing the flowers and thrusting them at him.

He didn't move.

"Or I could just, you know, hold onto them for you," she muttered, conjuring up a vase and setting them on someone's draws. "There now, isn't that lovely?"

She gave him a broad grin and watched as the lamp light flashed on his glasses' lenses in an oddly nerdish-mole way.

"So I'll just read you your card for you, hmm?" she said brightly as she pulled the card from its envelope. She cleared her throat and recited, "Roses are red, violets are blue, I hate it when you're sick, so get better and I won't have to do all the Head duties by myself while I worry over you."

She could've sworn she heard him snort and couldn't help it but smile in satisfaction.

She popped open an old Valentine's chocolate box and held it out while offering, "Truffle?"

She watched him eyeing up the chocolate eagerly and stifled a giggle. She'd never seen someone resist chocolate so greatly.

She pulled one out with two fingers and wafted it in front of the pile of clothing, murmuring gently, "You know you want it…"

All of a sudden a hand shot from beneath the pile and snatched the delicious food from her hand, making it to the mouth and swallowing it whole. She heard a sigh of pleasure.

His eyes flickered back up to her, as if expecting something more. She looked around nervously, as if expecting and waiting for something to pop up for her use, as if it was _magic _or something. Pfft.

"Erm…" she muttered, fidgeting unconsciously.

Suddenly the voice of Peter floated through her head in an oddly mysterious voice, _Don't forget to finish off with a hug…._

One must always obey the voices in one's head (even if they do sound like Peter Pettigrew), and Lily didn't need telling twice.

With a tingle of something in her heart that she couldn't quite place, she threw her arms around the disgusting pile of worn clothing that was James.

And then she pulled back, disgusted at what she had just touched.

…The clothes, not James, you silly.

And then looking up from inspecting her still-clean and freshly scented clothing, she realized that James had shed his outer layer, providing her with a view of "James in frumpy already-been-worn school uniform".

Almost as disgusting as the initial ensemble. It's a good thing Lily isn't picky, now isn't it?

Without a moment's forewarning, she was enveloped in the arms of one imploded James Potter… and found that she was quite enjoying it.

Well now isn't that funny, hmm?

After finding herself in the arms of James Potter for over five minutes, she couldn't help but ask suddenly, "What's imploding?"

Without pulling away, she heard James mutter near her ear, "Being hurt by someone you love and taking your feelings out by hiding away in your room for hours at a time while living off of frozen desserts."

"But you're all better now, right?"

"Can I have another truffle?"

She nodded into his shoulder, grinning.

"Then I'll be fine."

She smiled and inhaled his scent— nothing like already-been-worn uniform.

"Good."

REVIEW!


	6. Chapter 6

This is 'When pigs fly' by aDDleD.BraIn THANKIEES!

"Evans! Go Out with Me."

If you tallied the number of times James Potter said, commented, suggested and demanded the phrase 'Evans Go Out with Me' you'd get a whole list of strokes and lines on 300 sheets of paper. If you tallied the numbers of times he said this phrase differently there would be no more paper left in the world.

" Go. Eat. Your. Socks. Potter!"

If you tallied the number of times Lily Evans retorted with witty remark to James you would get twice the amount of pages to James. Of course these were just estimations but the result would be remarkable anyways if you really did tally.

James's face contorted with slight confusion.

"Eat my socks… What…?" It took as long as Sirius took to solve one of Remus's riddles for James to register what Lily just said and that was real slow Why would he want to eat his socks? He had just perfumed them! Maybe Lily was meaning to something else...

"Oh you mean I rock your socks? Ahhhh I get it!" James nodded with pure realisation not to extreme arrogance. It took him so long to figure what she had said… and it was wrong!

"CourseI rock your socks!I rock everyones socks that the socks in the world goes crazy!"

Lily glared at him that sparks flew out of her eyes and attacked James making James wince, a blue aura of annoyed-ness was glowing around Lily so brightly that it blinded James. James did the smartest thing he did in three years and changed the subject.

" So about that date eh!"

Okay well not the smartest thing but still pretty smart... compared to his other topic changes!

He casually yawned stretched up and attempted to place his arm around Lily of course Lily saw this coming and she stepped one step to the left. James found his arm over… Serverus Snape.

"EWWWWWWWWW!" James was practically screaming like a girl he went around wiping his arm onto poor random first years who were probably scaredto death.They now had... Snape germs covered on them!Lily rolled her eyes and tapped her feet annoyed as she was she waited for James to break his hysteria.

"Ahem, so about this date of ours," repeated James with attempted casualness trying to gain his masculinity back. "Say about ten-ish? Pick you up?"

Lily rolled her eyes, looked at the sky and said.

"Look up Potter see and flying things?"

James looked up examining the sky. "Well I see an owl and some birds and WOAH the clouds read LILY HEARTS JAMES!"

Lily was put into full alert at this comment.

"B-Wiff- WHAT?" She looked up Hysterically checking out every single cloud for about two mins or so, she realised it was a joke, there was a goofy green imprinted on James face. A goofy ANNOYING smile in Lily's eyes… but cute. Lily rolled her eyes.

"My point is do you see any pigs?"

James put on a confused face…pigs…belonging…sky, that was as weird as Remus belonging in... a gay bar. " Er… Say What Evans?"

"Exactly! No flying Pigs no date," she gave a light pat on James's cheek. "I'll go out with you when pigs fly James."

And then she skipped off, probably to decontaminate her hand from James Germs in a bathroom with overload of dettol, soap,and water that could start a drought, leaving James shell-shocked…though he had no shell.

He tilted his head to one side. Pigs flying air sky...what?

""Prongsie mate how'd asking Lily go?"

It was a few hours later, Sirius had just inhaled A LOT of sugar making him feel a little hysterical. Not that he was never hysterical. James muttered to himself incoherently.

"PRonGs! Talking's the first sign of madness!" Sirius slapped James on the face. "Snap out of it I don't need a mad friend, you've already got one!"

"Ow!" James moaned stroking his poor cheek he faced Remus who was reading a book. "Moony he slapped me tell him off!"

"Yeah Well he's taking my place in the marauders! I'm the HYSTERICAL ONE not him he's the redhead obsessed and wanker guy!

Remus didn't likebeingcomplained to as if he was some sort of...grandmother. He placed his book down delicately,I mean books are the most precious things in the world!. "How many times do I have to tell you guys I'm not your mother!"

Did the marauders ever listen to Remus? No, thats why Sirius was slapping James whenever he muttered incoherently to himself.

Slap!

Slap!

SLAP!"

"OW PRONGS THAT WAS HARD, MOONY!"

"For MERLINS sake sit and act like civilised people!"

James and Sirius sat down instantaneously, Remus was very very scary in his motherly form, even more scary then his 'Moony' stage. They decided toaim there attention to Peter, who was stroking a tiny florescent pink toad. "Errr Wormtail…?"

Peter looked up.

"That's a pink toad."

Peter smiled proudly. "I know I told Remus to make it that way!"

The faced Remus. Remus shrugged.

"He asked, I did!"

James and Sirius and probably Remus all thought the same things but they decided they would question Peter's gender another day...as much as Sirius wanted to rant on about it.

"So how'd it go with Lily?"

James smiled happily!

"IT WAS GREAT...Er something about flying saucepans…" James scrunched his face up to remember, memory, not his best point.

"Was it Pigs James?" asked Remus off-handedly.

"Yeah it was! When pigs fly she'll go out with me! AND SHE TOUCHED MY CHEEK!"

It wasn't the first time Lily touched him willingly she had, oh, kicked him, punched him, slapped him, shook hands with him, thwacked him, kicked him in a place he had to burn his shoesbut James just got excited when this opportunity came.

Sirius snorted. "So what she'll go out with you if she saw a pig fly?"

Peter began to hum and stroke his toad.

"Yeah," answered James staring at Peter.

"Just cut out wings and stick it on a pig!"

Remus snorted this time.

"You can't do that Sirius!"

"Why Not!" yelled Sirius creating a fight for the fun of it. " I can if I want to, you can't stop mee!"

"a) Think of the poor pig and b) it's illegal in 6 different countries, excluding Jamaica Wormtail!"

Wormtail closed his mouth with 'the Jamaica question' and looked back at his newly pink toad stroking and humming.

"Sure! We'll ask Prongs right prongs? Prongs!"

James wasn't paying attention at all he stared brightly and Peter.

"Hey Remus is it illegal to dress a human with wings?"

Remus raised an eyebrow. "No…"

Peter looked at James. "James why are you staring at me like that? James why are you grinning funny? James why are your hands rubbing eachother? Why's you just exchange glances with Sirius? Hey what are you guys doing? MOONY HELP HEL-…"

Over the last few days Lily Evans viewed some bizarre tasks the marauders were doing. One James and Sirius were looking around for paper and cotton buds and last time Lily saw they cut it out into wings before they saw Lily gave her an incoherent babble with lots of ummm and aaaaahhhhhhhssss and then they scampered off.

Lily also witnessed Remus reluctantly measuring Peter's height, weight, arm length, leg length which oddly confused he. Was Remus making a costume for Peter? It had a snout as far as she new and a tail… a curly tail. When she was spotted Remus sighed and said. 'Those boys are idiots!' and began sowing up something pink. But hten again Peter loved the colour pink.

Lastly Peter and been rehearsing day and night some strange animal sounds. Half the girls in Lily's dormitory betted it was a llama, the others were predicting Moaning Myrtle. Lily decided not to be part of these bets but she was sure Peter was actually trying to sing.

Lily was walking around the great lake casually when someone "accidently" bumped into to her.

"Oh Evans MY heavens." James put of a very fake shocked face reminding Lily of…a constipated verson of...jelly... "So so-r-r-y I did…not see you."

When he said "see you" he pointed to his eyes then to Lily. Lily frowned very worried of his saness.

"Cutthe constipationPotter what do you want."

"Er…" James looked at Lily for a second trying to decide what to say. "THE sky is blue today!"

James Potter pointing out weather? Odd. Had this something to do with quidditch?"

"Oh yeah great never noticed in my life." Lily answered in a sarcastic tone without even looking up, she tried to walk past James but he blocked her way.

"Er look Evans!" James pointed to the sky.

"What?" Lily didn't turn or look up, she had fallen for it once and James would usually shout. 'HA MADE YOU LOOK!'

"A flying pig?"

"Yeah!" yelled James.

Lily rolled her eyes at James gasping, rasping and hyperventilating…Drama Queen. Right a flying pig!

But then everyone else began gasping and screaming Lily only dared to peep.

Good God

She saw a mutated pig looking-like creature flying around screaming

"OOOOO_OOIIIIINNNN_NNKKKKKKAAAAAAHHHHHHH_OINKOINKAHHH!_"

She gasped. That couldn't be a pig. She squinted her eyes. No wait it looked like, Peter with wings...really demented wings! But then again Peter always looked like a pig. Lily frowned, no wait! Woah it was Peter with demeneted wings! What the heck?

"So, about that date?"

Lily turned around.

"I admire your imagination Potter!"

James smirked proudly...wait imagination? What did that have to do with there date?

"But... you'll have to get a cow over the moon to win me!"

Lily smirked slightly, patted him on the back and went to decontaminate her hand again.

James gasped...cow moon over fly?

Could you believe that James made A sock puppet resembling a cow to jump over the moon, or when James tried to run through a wall to gain Lily's love? But it was ALL worth itbecause James finally won Lily's heart by growing up!

But boy was that hard! Sirius began taunting James A LOT!

This is 'When pigs fly' by aDDleD.BraIn


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